“Things weren’t going well between me and my husband for a long time. We lived side by side, planning our weeks around having two kids and our jobs.
There was no quarrel, everything was calm and yes, also harmonious. Perhaps it would have continued like this until the end of our lives, and no one would really suffer. Obviously at least.
But I wasn’t happy.
For a long time I convinced myself that it was. I had a “good life,” a big apartment, and a cute husband who was also an incredibly wonderful dad. We went on vacation twice a year, had two cars, and didn’t have to worry about money. In theory I had it all. I told myself that it was only natural that the tension, the attraction, and yes that intense love waned over the years, especially as I started having children. Desiring anything else was just an unrealistic fantasy in my opinion.
But inside, I felt empty and empty.
I had to admit to myself that everything I had always imagined in my life and what I had been constantly working towards – had absolutely nothing to do with me.
I absolutely loved and loved my kids, no doubt! But I also love myself. And just spinning it around, that wasn’t enough for me. Many times I had the feeling that I fell short, too short. I am not the type to be inclined to complete self-abandonment.
At some point I knew I would be broken if I stayed in this constellation. I spoke to my husband, who was a little surprised. He knew me well enough to know what had been brewing inside me for such a long time.
“And what about the children?”
So that was his first question. I have been silent. I felt shy. It rages in me.
My little daughter was only seven years old at the time. Her brother is 12 years old. I loved it so much, I was very grateful to my husband. That we both got these wonderful creatures.
BUT: They didn’t really realize in my new life plans. So far I have successfully suppressed it, and now I have had to be honest with myself and my family.
She admitted “I don’t know”.
,you do not know!? Our kids don’t deserve it! “My husband’s words touched my heart, he was right. Then leave them with me. We’ll explain it to them, but never let them hear that you don’t care about them.”
We talked for a long time that evening, and the next morning I began looking for an apartment. It was clear to me that I wanted to stay close to my family.
When I finally found an apartment in which everything was fine, the children told us what was going on. My daughter cried a lot, and her brother seemed to handle it better.
When we told them they would stay with their father, my daughter cried even more. And my son got angry. He felt betrayed by me.
I’ve lived on my own for three years now.
I have a new job that keeps me busy. I have new hobbies that fill me up.
In fact, my kids have to come to my place every two weeks. They do, mostly, but not always. We also see each other from time to time.
I feel they have long forgiven me for leaving. Her father is her closest home. It hurts me sometimes – but I have to admit I wanted it that way. And that he’s way better off, that patriarchal thing. He can do a better job and that makes him happy.
We have found our peace as a family.
Only those around me still lack understanding. No one ever thinks that “Mother leaves her children!”
‘How do you stand?’ I can’t live without my children, “What a mother.” Do you regret having children?
I’ve heard all these sayings and questions a lot. And try to ignore them.
I’m happy that way. finally! So are my husband and children.
Do you think that if he was gone, as a man, he should have listened to all these questions? “
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